So sometimes I forget that I had full access to a boy’s lips for five months. I forget that he was my guy. I like it when I forget what it was like to love someone with all of your heart. Because no one should ever hold all of your heart, right? I can’t say that I don’t miss it, and I can’t say I wouldn’t love something like it again; I can deny the fact that I want it back, just as it was, but on good days I can lie to myself. The fact that it was reality once pretty much blows my mind. After you’ve been out in the world for a while on your own you start to forget that you can in fact love, and you have in fact loved and been loved. Better to have it and let it go, right?

The point is I’ve had it, according to cliche.

What I’m trying to say here is that humans are selfish in the way they want it again, or they’re perfectionists trying to get it right. We want the right one. The one that won’t leave, won’t screw up, won’t break your heart. So maybe in a sense, we’re strong due to the struggle of having to go through other relationships to figure out how to get to the treasure, the good one that’s gonna love you forever. I don’t really like the idea of forever, it scares me, so I think personally, I’m just looking for someone to put up with me for as long as they can. And if they may leave me, due to death or illness, they may go. But I don’t think I’d hold it to them if they just had to leave.

But here lies my problem, folks.

That’s the reason I’m writing this in the first place.

They did leave.

I can’t say that I was happy. I don’t say that I wanted it to go on. I can’t remember the amount of times I wrote to tell that I was different. Letters that were never sent. I can’t get over it because it didn’t end right. It’s wrong. I never got to explain, I never got to defend myself.

I did this. I screwed up.

He had to leave me for what I did. Even after I thought we could move on.

#love  #fuck  #ignore this shit  #relationships  #asdfghjkl;  

GGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EVERYTHING THAT COULD HAPPEN IS HAPPENING

ASDFGHJKL;

Kay, so I have alot of shit to do. None of which, aside from cleaning, I can do today because my mother is at work. No car. Or transportation.

I can’t pack because it’s too early. I can’t sleep because I’m too stressed.

Gah.

#personal  #ignore this shit  

You know fucking what? I hate you. You’re selfish and hateful and you never took my love further than getting your clammy fingers up my shirt. You know why it bothers me? Because I loved you. I can’t believe you. It’s ridiculous. I just can’t comprehend it. Don’t you remember anything? Doesn’t it bother you? My head has been seriously fucked up since you left me and you can walk past me in the mother fucking hallway and not even take a glance. You’re heartless. You’re a prick. You used to be really something. You were romantic, and sexy and absolutely the most caring person. You disappeared on me. Disintegrated into thin air and left me with all of this fucking stuff. And they say that the woman always leave. Well, you, my “big” man left me with all of our problems still there under the surface. Maybe if you had let me be myself and maybe if we had been healthier then we wouldn’t of had any problems in the first place. God, I hate you. And I loved you so much too because you kept me thinking, kept me with emotions, tested my mind, tested myself, but you didn’t let me grow. You cut me off and you wanted me in the darkness. You’re even ruining my life now because I can’t get the old you out of my mind. The possibly that you’re still in there somewhere deep is killing me. I want to talk to you but, you and I want nothing to do with eachother. And no, I’m not over you. It makes me fucking sick. But I don’t care if it’s fact because I want to get over you, I want to find someone like you and love the ever-living fuck out of them, everyday. But because I had something so wonderful once, I can’t live with any less. You spoiled me. So now I’m ruined. I want someone who treats me like an angel like you did. And I don’t know if I’ll ever get that again. It makes me really sad to know that I had it once and we wasted all of it. It just went into the river. It hasn’t come out yet.

#rant  #ignore this shit  #personal